Whispers in my ear: October 2008

Monday, October 13, 2008

Do I think about it again

I have heard don't think about it, quit trying and it will just happen! well you would think after 10 years it would happen!
Then I have even heard of you have your hands full with Pappa why would you want to bring a baby into your life? Why should a crazy person be allowed to have children. Well that is a bunch of bull! how many other out there, that do not take care of their children are allowed to have more children?
I can not help but think about that for a tiny second.

I wonder should I start thinking about it again? should I start being adamant about it again?
should I start counting again? Or should I just move on with life?
I just started getting "on with life" this year, not being so consumed about having a baby, not having deep envy every time I see a pregnant woman, or a baby starring at me, avoiding the baby isle, I started holding babies again. Getting my mindset of it was never meant to be, I'll just love other peoples babies and just enjoy what I have.
Then I had one of those dreams that felt so real that I had a baby boy that looked just like Pappa, then I woke up! I hate those dreams! Was it a joke? Then I had the missed period this past month, was the dream a glace of the future? Nope just a dream.
I hear you have baby girl you should be happy and blessed, which I am! she is the best thing that ever happen to me and I should clone her, she is the perfect child!
Not only have we longed for a baby she has longed to be a big sister.
She told me the other day when we I picked her up from her boyfriends house that he was talking about marrying her after they got out of school. She said she would consider it, but she wanted to go to college and hold of on having kids until the timing is right. She knows what a precious gift having a child is and she does not want to take any of it for granted.

Should I? should I keep the hope alive? Should we keep trying? or should we just go on with life as we know it?

Think about the grocery list

9/30/08
Aunt Flo was scheduled to visit 9/26/08 sometimes she's a day late sometimes she's a day early but never 4, 5, 6, 7, I finally told Pappa that I was late. He said all we can do is hope.
Every single time I went to the bathroom I was scared to wipe! then happy when it was clean! and no blood! It seem like I went to the bathroom more just to see.
This couldnt happen, nothing this hard ever happens this easy for us. We just lost our house and were living in a much smaller place, I just started a new job. But none of that matters! Has God given us another reason to live for? day 8 came day 9 came we were driving to get some grocries and it just popped in my head~ this is around the exact same time that I was pregnant 2 years ago, so I grabbed my calendar and started figuring and the due date would have been in June, June that the babies were due. I was in such a daze, I didn't know if I should tell Pappa, I just think that I would Jinx this!
so of course one of the things that went in the cart was a test.
We got home and I set it on the counter, got a bowl of chex and started watching TV. I did not want to be dissapointed. So after about 3 hours I did it. NEGATIVE!! somethings wrong? so I thought well I'll just get another test and test in the morning. SO was up about 5:30am and that test was also neg. ? Well later on in the day I started my period-I have to think this way but by today which is the first day that I have not bled (7 day long period, mine usually last 3 at the most).

Today it has been really bothering me, so I reconnected with the world of infertility. I noticed that Infant loss Awareness is Oct. 15. Even more of a reason for me to blog, I always feel some sense of release when I put it in writing.
I guess the saying don't think about it, quit trying so hard and it will happen does not work either?