Our Journey

We have decided that we are going to start planning to go through another round of IVF in the summer of 2009.
We are going to go through a progam called IVF vacation. With Craig and Marcela Fite. They have also went through infertility and had a succesful IVF and had two beautiful twin girls.
www.ivfvacation.com
I have set up an appointment with my Dr. in Jaunuary to get "the ducks" in a row.

I am very excited and optamistic about this journey.
My grandmother immigrated from Czech Republic when she was 13, so this we be a neat place to tour. We had always had this on a list of places I'd like to see. What a blessing it would be to concieve there too.
We are also planning on having baby girl go too, she has been a big part of this journey with us and it would be such a blessing to have her there too.

Is it ever going to happen???

Yesterday I was some sick with the flu, napping, watching tv, napping some more.
Papa came home made me a grilled cheese, we watched more tv then dozed off for a nap again.
I just woke up and was drinking a glass of water and the phone rang with an unfamilar number. It was a long lost friend that I had not heard from in several months.
Guess what!!!!
There expecting!

I'm happy for them because they have been trying themselves-well in her words not try, trying, but not taking any precautions either.
She had a tubal pregnancy last year and that did devistate her. And I know she knows that I can relate to her and their trials.
They deserve it so much!
I asked Papa " are we ever going to have a baby?"
Then we watched more tv.

escaped the monster

I went out shopping today with my family to finish up our last minute quest for gifts and grocries. I did not come across the fertility monster very much.
I think that somedays it makes me so depressed that I do not want to go out besides going to work and back home.
We had a very good time, other shoppers were actually in good spirits, and I only came across a toddler and 1 pregnant girl. I'm sure there were more out there but I did not see or more less did not pay attention to my surroundings.
Yesterday was a snow day for me and baby girl. We did some chores then lounged around and watched t.v. When Papa got home we ate lunch and went out to shovel ourselves out of the 8inches some areas was 10 inches of snow. Toward the end of this "family" chore, I was transfering snow from one area to another and I turned and wahp! right in the face, baby girl hit me in the eye with a shovel. I about passed out, she was so upset she was on a mission herself and was not paying attention to where she was flinging the snow. I have a pretty red and light blue shiner on my left on over a bump. I told her she outta be proud she gave my first black eye. Now we laught about it, but man it still hurts.
Well this is a short post, but I'm exhausted from shopping and all the hard work snow brings!

Keeping Hope alive

This Poem has been in my head for almost 11 years, so many ask me why don't I just adopt-there are reasons we are unable to adopt that I do not really care to explain right now.
Some just say well you have a beautiful daughter be thankful for her, We are thankful for her, we cherish her and we have so much more love to give.
Some say maybe it was never meant to be that maybe you just need to move on (I just want to say bite me!!) but I'm moving on, just not giving up.

Last night we were going to pick up Baby girl from her boyfriends home and while we were driving out. I started reflecting on our life together.

In this past 12 and half years we have been through so much, how can we stop trying now. I know and believe in my heart that God gives us these lessons to make us stronger and grow to appreciate and cherish life more.

We were part of America's statistics this past summer, we lost our home due to job cuts and low finances. And everytime we go to Baby girls boyfriends home, which he lives in the country I miss my house~we had a cute little farm in the country with lots of animals. I look at the homes in this beautiful snow, with the chimneys puffing smoke, the driveways and roads drifted with snow, the pastures empty because all the animals are snug in the barns, and I just go blank and try to toughen up, suck it up, and cover the hurt in my heart.
I know this path that I'm going down will make me stronger and give me something more to stride for aaagain.
We actually are pretty happy and content this holiday season, we have been living on a quote
Sometimes you have to loose everything to realize that you do have it all.


A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian

People noticeThere's a special glow around you.
You growSurrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see
another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Running through my head

I have been thinking about my New Year's resoulutions already and I am trying to start them early.

I need to lose some weight!!!!! I had tried weight watchers and I had done it about 5 years ago and suceeded. I got back on the ww wagon and fell off about a month ago. I get so fusterated that I actually really do not eat a ton of food I know I choose the high calorie foods-the convient foods. I need to get my butt out and walk the dog because she really needs the exercise too, she's not fat she is a large dog and I know she must feel cooped up, the only times she gets to go out is to go to the potty and for car rides. Get off your tush!!
So I am going to do the Grapefruit diet- I know, I know, the crash diets are not good for you but it works. And I know part of my concentration problem too is that I get so impatient and I want results now. It gives me a jump start to my "daily eating" habits, once I loose the weight I feel more guilty about even having the thought of eating that donut.
I also have the thoughts of if I loose the weight I can do this, go here, see this person.
Papa said the other day that he always wanted to try ballroom dancing, I thought me too! then the next thought was if I loose the weight I'd be in better shape to do it. I know that dancing is good exercise too. Just gotta actaully do it!
Also thought that a good exercise that I love doing is swimming, then the following thought is well I got to loose weight to get in the swimsuit to go!
I'd like to be in better shape and "healthier" to get pregnant.

I have incorprated in my diet some vitamins and more fiber. With the grapefruit diet it cuts out all carbs which I know that would be a great thing for not only me but for papa, it has shown that there is a lot of gluten in many carb based foods. So this diet will not only jump start the weight loss but it will also help with the transition to cut out carbs and gluten. As my friend always tells me bread will make you spread.

I want my home to be more organized, specific days for grocery shopping, cleaning days, laundry days, budget days, and spending time with family days.

I want to get back into sewing and my crafts again. Papa bought me a beautiful sewing machine years ago and I need to get back into it instead of sitting on the couch watching t.v. all night-that might have alot to do with the laziness? I would also help me keep my mind off all of my thoughts running through my head huh?

Then the baby making thing~~
I have contacted a couple that run a program in the Czech republic that is half the cost of IVF in the U.S.
I have had this program on my wish list for years now since I had my miscarriage (over 3 years ago). They have had a beautiful set of twins themselves and helped many couples bring their dreams to reality.
My grandmother immigrated from the Czech republic when she was 13 years old and this just speaks very close to my heart.
And what better way to have a baby then to go on vacation too? It has been commented that it seems to make the couples more relaxed instead of all of the stress that then go through here, which helps the outcome. So walk with us through this journey~~~~~

Christmas, I cannot wait to have the time off work to spend with my family and relax. We never go hog wild on presents, we try to get each other 3 presents, that's what the wise men brought Jesus and why should we get more he did. My friend had told me that is what she does for her children, and that they do not idlize Santa as much, her children know of him but they do not think too much about him. I thought it was a awesome idea plus it is great for the families that have more than one child or have a lot of grandchildren and it also symbolizes Christmas more too.

Then there is papa who struggles with PTSD (he has also been given dx's of depression, schizophrenia, and seasonal affective disorder). I have done much research-as many supporting family members have to do since the mental health workers do not help with. And I have a very strong feeling that some of his diagnosis have been misdiagnosed.
He has been doing pretty good these days, he has a very good daily routine, he also is struggling with his weight too so we can "do this together".

Well I think I have given a pretty good index to my blog so I should not have anything that I cannot write about each day-just need to crack the whip on myself and post. I really enjoy blogging and I do not know why I do not do it more often-before blogging I used to write in a journal daily. I type faster than I write so I do not know why I don't commit more to this!?

All combined in one

I have another blog and I have decided to just combine both of them so I can better tend to blogging.
I really think I have some kind of ADD, I get boared easily and sometimes do not have the patience to sit down and write. I actually feel much better when I let it out. I pray about it so I can give it to God then I want to make sure I share with others so they know they are not the only ones out there. They say there is no 2 people exactly alike but I do know that there is someone out there that is dealing with something very close to all the same things or issues.

Down this black brick road

This has been on my mind for the last few days and I know some would agree to disagree.

I work in the social work field and see all walks of life and they types of people that have been given the gift to parent.
I cannot help but wonder why? And one thought that had ran through my mind and it makes some sense but then I really do not see all of the women who are struggling with infertility.
I have noticed that there is a minority of women who have infertility- average working woman (or somewhat financially stable either within themselves or their spouse is),that had wanted to have their life "in order-go to college, get a good job, nice home, stable income, and have children when the time was right", and they are Christians. Ok not to single out the families that I see everyday but these women (or in some cases very young women) have no stable housing, no income, they have some kind of substance abuse problem, abuse and neglect their children, they have no desire to improve their situation but they do not want to let someone else raise their children. There are few that do suceed with the program that I work for.
I know I have heard the comments of why don't you leave your job, I do not want to leave my job, I actually really like working for the program. I am a secretary so I actaully do not see them all the time. I give a great deal of support to the caseworkers and I pray for the children that their families will be sucessful. Either way if I stay or leave here the problems will still happen and if I can help in anyway I'd rather be closer to help.

And I cannot also help but wonder and think that am I not able to have more children because I did not obey God's wishes for me to wait until I got married to have sex and start a family?
I started having sex when I was 13 and got on the pill around that same time too. I was on the pill for almost 12 years. Did the pill have anything to do with that. Did me deciding that I wanted to fool around with a few guys before I settled down have anything to do with that?
I know I am forgiven for my sins however I feel that we all pay for our past. I just have to keep praying that I can forgive myself and accept my path in life